Absent-mindedness Leads to Strong Odor of Bananas; Sooted Foot.

I've been on a huge banana kick as of late. I've heard that Potassium is very important in the regulation of one's blood pressure and you can never be too careful about your health. Is my blood pressure elevated? Who knows....but why take chances with that sort of thing. I mean look what happened to Al Oerter. If it can get this guy, it can get anybody.

I'm not going to fool myself into thinking that I stand a better chance than someone in this kind of shape. At the same time though I think that it's fair to say that my dying from something as banal as complications due to elevated blood pressure is just not in my cards. My demise will be the stuff of legends. There will be bumper stickers issued for those who are in attendance when it happens. They will simply read: " I was there". My life's purpose is not to save another's nor is it to make a meaningful contribution to humanity or to serve as warning to others. My final moments will be to showcase to future populations that the Cosmos does in fact have a sense of humor and just hang on because in a second she'll prove it to you.

I was trying to do a lot of things at the same time last Friday. Cook what I was hoping would be a delicious dessert, do laundry, assess my clothing needs for my co-worker's wedding on Saturday(Several requirements it turns out.), run the vacuum, arrange photos and pay attention to the Tigers game on the radio among other things. Oh, and eat a banana. So I'm walking around, eatin' this banana, and next thing I know I'm missing my banana. Strange, I thought. Not to worry though, thanks to a recent trip to the grocery store I'm well prepared for just such a scenario. So I get another banana. I dive in. When bananas are good, they're f-ing good. And these suckers were aces. Which is why I was saddened and confused to find that only a few minutes later I was again looking around for my banana. "Are you serious?, I asked....myself. So I search for a minute, looking in all the obvious places you might leave a banana. Then I give up. After all, I've got bananas for days in the kitchen, I'll get a shiny new one! So I do. D-licious. I'm feeling good again and I set out to continue on with my chores. 10 minutes later I'm tearing the house apart, wondering out loud what kind of an asshole loses 3 bananas...half eaten bananas no less. How do you do that? Adjectives like vast, colossal and immense will never be used to describe my apartment. And I'm not joking when I tell you that for a moment I entertained the idea that a bird flew into my window and stole them. After what I thought was a fair search for them I gave up.

Some time later I was sitting in my living room listening to the Tigers lose (but they had a great season!) when the faint yet distinct smell of bananas came wafting over me. So I followed it. Opening the closet door I found one of the bananas sitting atop my dryer, which was running. Warm banana, Yahtzee! So I ate it and decided that I should put my clothes away. I had jackets and pants and ties and belts and shoes tossed all over my bed. I began pairing them off, these pants with that jacket, when what should I discover but banana number two peeking through the pile of shirts on my bed. Stupid, right? Dumb to put a banana on your bed, really dumb to pile clothes on top of it. I ate it though. It was good too.

I went to the gym and came back all the while wondering where I could have put the last one. Nothing was out of play now. I began to look between cushions on the sofa, under the chair and finally while I was at the computer table I found it while grabbing for my CD case. It was on the shelf inside the door of the buffet on top of which I keep my computer, duh. Why wouldn't you look there? So I picked it up and set it on the buffet next to my laptop. Better keep an eye on it, right?. So I started to pack up my computer to take to my folk's house for the weekend when the most amazing/startling/"If anyone other than Aaron had told me that I wouldn't have believed it" thing happened. I couldn't get the plug out of the surge strip that was lying on the ground and so I put my banana in my mouth and used both hands to pull on the cord and a foot to hold the strip down. The banana broke and the peel fell onto the surge strip in such a way that it made the connection between prongs and draped across my foot. With a small pop the peel poofed out black soot all over my toes. So there I stood, banana in mouth, cord in hand and blackened foot sporting my best "What the fuck?" styled face nearly electrocuted by a banana.....

This is how I know I am destined for "mortality immortality". A death for the ages...so grand and mysterious that folk songs will be written about me. The entire universe is my very own Rube Goldberg apparatus. You should get to know me better. You are going to want a front row seat for this show. I only hope that it is a few years off still.


Music: "Idioteque" - Radiohead